19 August 2012

Auto-Da-Fé (For Holly)


Tattoos just began appearing on her, she
said, because literature is more ephemeral

than television. None caught the logic
but who's to argue if it's her body

she's talking about. It wasn't a bar or
a backyard or a cab or a hallway 

where she told us, and by her lights
it certainly wasn't a tattoo parlor. A 

nail salon, a row of neon chairs facing
a wall length mirror, in which a row

of inverted neon chairs, some of which
were occupied by people who looked

very like us, but not entirely, or 
entirely, but very unlike us--where

we belonged while she was talking
to us, while our nails awaited their 

lacquer. She was only ninety percent
skin, her shirt long sleeve buttoned

at the collar. Jeans down to boots. 
Even her hands were making like 

gloves, though she talked with them. 
Every time, she told us, I swear. Every

afternoon after work she'd come home
lift off her shirt step from her slacks

or skirt and find them. Ink freshly
found on thigh, breast, or shoulder. 

Once even found a full overload of 
color had broken out all up her back

like kinetic mold. And what of? 
Things she'd thought of. Or people--

an ex, a dead girlfriend, some lady
who bemoaned her house on the 

morning news, chewed to wheaties
by a tornado. But mostly celebrities. 

Leftovers from TMZ's weekly gossip
quota. By morning, they'd be gone; to

that, she swore with both her arms--
honest, not lying, when I wake up 

my skin's as fresh as it was when my
mom was first pregnant. But by noon

it's something new. I even steal off
during my lunch break, lock the 

restroom, just to see what. A Mayan
calendar. Hanuman tearing his chest

open. An old timey map of California. 
Took a while before I realized I had

some kind of control over it. But 
when I did, I could cook up all kinds 

of ink. Miniatures of every one of my
ancestors. Rasputin buck naked. Full 

color portraits of every third shift 
manager of Wendy's, ever. I even once

flipped through a book on complex 
typology over breakfast. By noon 

my whole upper torso was swarming
with equations. It went on like that

for, like, four years. I didn't tell anyone,
and any guy I slept with I only 

slept with once. How to explain this
kind of skin to someone who thinks

they want to touch it? It was fun at
first, but god, it got tiresome. One 

month after the tenth anniversary of
my dad dying, every night I'd have

to see some other version of him
in some sad place in the flesh. So

I decided: enough. I thought, to 
stop it I should just stop sleeping. 

But that didn't work. When I did 
finally conk out, something new would

be waiting for me. Then I thought,
if not sleep, then what--clothing? I

took off work pulled the shades and
passed a few days naked. It work for

a while, but as soon as I pulled on
a shirt, that was it. Off again, there'd

be some new thing waiting for me. 
What then? What I put into and drew

out of my head? So tested that out--
blindfolded myself, took in no fresh

sights. Thirty days and thirty nights,
blindfold, blindfold. When I let out 

my eyes again, it's just what they saw:
a full grown woman with skin cured. 

But cured--and here she laughed rough--
isn't that the word you use when

you've cooked something long, and slowly?

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