31 October 2023

Others From Gaia



Gangadew has been studying these human beings, their ways and activities. In his view they were often nearly half-fictional. There were several modes of vision his species had developed over the course of eons and one he favored specifically when observing a human being—flesh rendered spectral, bone watery, he could savor the movements of atoms like plankton within a cresting wave, consider how this too was part of their essential nature, a hidden plurality. Gangadew could not feel or understand the human’s own understanding of this contradiction of the-many-in-one, but speculated it was merely hypothetical. As far as he could see, they were mostly preoccupied with certain pleasurable activities—sleeping, eating, drinking, fucking. Most of their pleasurable activities were experienced as verbs, even those that required a  certain passivity. Gangadew, alien to such somatic events as affect and therefore equally uninformed about emotions, observed this creature more as a pathogenic thought. Snared in cognitive plasma, it writhed and wriggled. Gangadew therefore was forced to play spiderweb—one unminded by a patron predator. Gangadew did not wish them harm. He had arrived through time’s slipstream, chosen a currently occurring moment at random, willed himself manifest at every location on the planet simultaneously. This very instant he metabolized several trillion occurrences and so delayed judgment of his findings. 

Yes—they were half-fictional, maybe more than half. If data could dream, it would dramatize collectives and particulars in ways similar to how he perceived, as patterns of behavior sparking koan-like insights in real-time. He was hybrid to their simple mortal threadings through one millisecond and another, though the very concept of millisecond was a fabrication, a construct cobbled together in order to help them micromanage and therefore endure the vast ongoingness and neverhood of time. They were threatened by it, yet were sired by it, molded by it. Witnessing them with human-scale vision, he observed their struggle with their own restlessness and asked—why? It would seem they experienced time as something separate from them, as something that happened to them, an orientation foreign to his species. He had not considered the possibility of such separateness until he’d become them a moment and thought within the tumult of their actions. 

Should he mention a few? Should he describe them? It would be difficult to represent even one in ways that wouldn’t estrange them from their native habitat. Gangadew could repeat what he had found himself thinking, as they spoke to one another or to themselves. They were an ultra-social species even when they were intent on isolation, and when silent and locked within rooms of a building would inundate their thusly-protected environment with all manners of babble and communication. The light of televisions would reach them from a far distance and they would interact with vapors, humans employed to behave like humans. There were songs and other vocalizing entertainments, there were bodiless voices regaling them with gossip through telephone receivers. At the molecular level none were distinct or separate from their surroundings, but it was notable they behaved otherwise. This was a defining characteristic of their kind, Gangadew concluded. This bias was perhaps hardwired into their fundamental orientation toward themselves, their world, each other, the product of a long, elaborate, haphazard course of evolution. Having never evolved from any prior iteration, Gangadew had to concede an experience of such boundedness was beyond his conception. Since he did not possess a capacity to imagine, to improvise upon the known in a speculative manner, he would have to instead study closely the behaviors of those among the species that blended the real, as they experienced it, with fantasy, and formulate prospective conclusions on how this either enriched their felt perspectives or impoverished them. It turned out there was not a single human who didn’t fantasize. In their cognitive wetware, thinking and feeling were indistinguishable from one another, never more so when they were believed to be separate. Certain beliefs about themselves, it could be said, nurtured their compulsion to make-believe; it was difficult to discern how much their hunger to invent would be diminished, if they could experience at every moment and in a felt way the continuity of their bodies with their surroundings. 

This led to another curious aspect of human-being-ness Gangadew found difficult to parse, no matter how often he eavesdropped on millions of conversations per second on the general topics that concerned them—their surroundings, their proper place, as they conceived of it. Near and far, distant and close—always they spoke of the relation of their physical bodies to various locations in dualistic terms. This habit was common to the large majority of their species and seemed programmed into their conceptual maneuverings, expressing itself instinctually and often without explicit awareness they could figure otherwise. Inside, outside; up and down. Here and there. Their interactions were larded so frequently with instances of positional myopia, it was clear they considered themselves not only separate from their surroundings but separate from each other, and that this too was perhaps a necessary product of their evolved-ness. Their bodies in their current expression had been formed across a timescale too protracted to be felt, so could only be thought and imagined. Their forebears were non-human and non-mammalian, in their earliest beginnings were unicellular organisms, and these, ironically, did not possess neurological systems to generate thoughts or feelings; but this is not to say they didn’t work their way through hundreds of billions of years of persistent survival making use of a certain in-born sensitivity. They could brush against, say, a calcium or potassium ion, and react with informed but non-deliberative judgement which to absorb through their outer membrane and which to reject. A sense of “in” an “out” were implicit even then, that early in their history. So this would seem an inevitable expression of that foundational inheritance—that their physical boundedness, the strategies for survival and procreation that derived from it, would structure and animate their ways of orienting a personal relation to their surroundings. The relations were always personal in nature, and to Gangadew that was exemplary, unusual. For a human being in the singular, surroundings were determined by the simplest and most immediate of criteria: what was within view, within range of touch and hearing. Surroundings as felt phenomena were somatically perceptual in origin and could not be scaled beyond felt-ness to include larger categories of nearness: a city, a province or state, a country, a continent, a planet, a solar system or, finally, a cosmos. So far as their personal experience was concerned, they were not indigenous to the universe, not really. Many of their kind would often speak of this, and sometimes many of their kind would seem to pause and listen and consider, but always the latter would go on their way, attending to the demands of the lives that were chosen for them, and the former would too, even though it was their job to study the operations of the universe and educate others on the measurable evidence of its expansion. Though the universe was expanding at scales beyond human imagining, it was forever contracting in the minds and daily preoccupations of very specific humans—nearly all of them. If Gangadew possessed human emotions, he presumed he might find this contradiction “touching” or “revealing.”

Sexual intercourse, foreplay; the panoply of activities teleological to orgasm: flirting, disrobing, caressing, kissing. So primary were these to the human being’s daily concerns and involvements, unconsciously they would express themselves in terms of charged physical intimacy, particularly when under siege by a powerful emotion. So many aspects of their nature were so deeply ingrained these seemed to consistently escape explicit awareness, only to become evident through repeated action. Once noticed and spoken of, these would be characterized as “revealing”, much the way a certain piece of clothing that accentuated favorable aspects of a particular human form could be considered “revealing”. No facet of Gangadew’s existence had ever eluded his cognizance, therefore he found the premises of such expressions novel—how the bounded-ness of human beings afforded them occasions for play. There was a game native to human childhood, varying from culture to culture, that exemplified this impulse to inspire curiosity and attraction through evasion and disguise—Hide & Seek. Again, Gangadew noticed, another dualism. In and out, up and down, near and far—hiding and seeking, did they perform a similar orienting function? Opposites of every variety: how would the human being navigate the course of a life without these? 

Gangadew was party to several million copulations per second, either in pairs, as threes, a rare larger number, but most often as a person alone with eyes closed in bed, in a shower, sitting on a toilet in a bathroom stall, or to the seeming horror of onlookers, in public, on a park bench or on a subway train. Such was their compulsion to mate, if uncoupled they would be content to mate with themselves, with fantastical partners in their head. Far back through the obscure tangles of their species’ chronology, prior to the slow-motion chaotic morphological contingencies that produced the first mammal, one cell had responded to a sudden impulse to divide itself. It had been alone the moment before; then it had strained, quivered, ruptured. Mitosis occurred for the first time, without precedent or warning. The drive to proliferate had arrived, and from there it only gained momentum—such versatility and inventiveness, such creativity written into the procreative strategies of biota of very kind. A human being alone, masturbating, furthers the complexity of that inheritance; so it is worth Gangadew’s noticing how often this activity is performed behind closed doors or in domiciles empty of cohabitants. It is kept hidden, a secret. A lived experience so intimate human beings venture towards it with closed eyes, while insisting as well on the closed eyes of others around them: none should know. The emotion of shame is spoken of often among Gangadew’s human hosts. A vocabulary of human organ functioning, especially execratory, is often mobilized to attend to the failure of a human being’s attempts to hide their supposed moments of weakness and imperfections from others: they are “shit”, they’re “garbage”, they “suck”, they’re an “asshole”. 

As a category of experience, self-loathing is well beyond Gangadew’s understanding. If, as many a human has hypothesized and accepted in lieu of strong evidence to the contrary, selfhood is an emergent property of neurological functioning, Gangadew, brainless and therefore selfless, is bereft of reference points for understanding it. A brain directing selfhood against itself, a violence of self-referentiality: he cannot know what that might feel like, he cannot pity it. His very nature disallows such involvements, and perhaps it’s this otherness that affords him such analytical serenity: he will never lose sight of the full dimensions of a human being by becoming one of them.

Shame is exotic; one of many aberrant megafauna available for viewing in the emotional zoo. Gangadew has studied the relationship between cage and animal and currently subscribes to the belief the cage is a feature of the animal. A symbiosis born of necessity—it could not be otherwise. Beyond the cage and its tenders are threats without name or shape, predators. Once a threat has announced itself and taken shape, it would be too late to defend oneself. According to a well-worn platitude, a cage protects as much as it denies an animal its freedom. Again, Gangadew noticed, here was another adaptive strategy most likely evolved from their boundedness. The human being is ashamed to masturbate, so performs this enjoyment alone. Sated, the human being awakes to the sight of themselves post-coital, duly disgusted. To what extent does the resulting shame refresh the urge to masturbate? Lacking sexual organs and an endocrine system, Gangadew will remain innocent to the problem. Forever beyond reach of a melee of urges, he will placidly observe their tumult and outcome, a hyper-rational Peeping Tom. He will order their disorder with thought, then report what he has found. This may take longer than he would have anticipated, his usual instantaneous downloading of all lifeforms into a thorough exploratory diagram and verdict. 

Again, it was their fictitious qualities that proved evasive, difficult to grasp. Gangadew considered that perhaps they felt the same about each other. Figures of intrigue, curiosity, what little they knew of one another tended to feed a further hunger for details and privileged knowledge—so much so they would often exercise a tireless investment in the works and lives of the dead. Extinction from a round of life often bred in its wake a spattering of voyeurs and scholars. Over the span of a generation or two the memorialized would bloat beyond corpse-size into godly dimensions. Mystique—the admiration of journeymen filled them like methane, until they burst. Human beings sought an immortality from one another, but celebrated it as exceptional. It was obvious, what they sought through case histories and legends: definitive confirmation that a culture could preserve its inhabitants like experimental pigs in formaldehyde or sacrificial victims in bogs. All feared to be forgotten; only the delusional were unconvinced they could be. Gangadew, being effortlessly immortal himself, required no circular reasoning to find himself complete and unto himself. 

A blink; waking from some great geological dream. A yawn, mouth wide birthing a tongue. Mouth of a human being sprouting a yawn first thing in the morning, so similar to the mouth of an infant held in an obstetrician's hands, smack on the back, amniotic fluid coughed and sputtered from lungs, a first fresh scream. The first scream is the smallest but the most vital—countless screams will follow. A biosphere waking, the planet and its oceans, atmosphere and solar radiation. Miles above is the outer shell, where gases wander, spherically nomadic but shielding the earth from ultraviolet bombardment, for the betterment of lifeforms below. Gangadew watches the full evolution of the planet from within the blossoming of a single trillisecond: the future of a lineage is set in motion. Backwards before then, even, to the original beginning: time and space burst from nothing, particles form and drift. Gases gather into wisps and shawls and as they gain density irradiate a dim glow. The glows brighten, become stars. One such star patterns the vastness around it into orbital wastelands of dust. The dusts circle, clump together, form a planet. As the planet gathers into formidable largeness, a core and crust forms. Dense metals topple through molten interiors to densify a center, while above-grounds solids cool into continents. The surface raises and blisters into welts—volcanoes. Water vapor is spritzed into circulation as atmosphere, where it cools and falls as rain. For millennia it rains until there are oceans. Cyanobacteria within blue-green algae breed oxygen and for a long while oxygen interacts with iron, sinking to ocean bottoms trapped in rock layers, until the lion’s share of free iron is exhausted and oxygen, unhindered, flourishes freely. Single-cell organisms appear. Vertebrates evolve, first fish then land animals. Land plants proliferate and more oxygen flows from them. Reptiles evolve from primitive amphibians, and soon a race of massive lizards roams the earth’s jungles and forests. Carnage and survival. Natural selection tooth-and-claw. The lizards die off suddenly and a long while after the first Homo Sapien is born from a non-Homo Sapien mother. It happened somewhere called Africa. In search of territory and game, tribes of men and women wandered beyond their homeland across stretches of unknown hinterlands. These would later be called continents. Across vast distances human beings became isolated from each other and over time came to regard one another as strangers. There were tribes and from these tribes were born cultures. The cultures regarded one another with fascination and fear, as people in the singular had once done. All were textured into the unifying weave of a planetary history, none were content to be merely so. They sought pleasures, status among their kind. They sought to be commemorated in life and after death by unknown storytellers. They were vain by birthright, but pitiably so. They would fool themselves and others until the end. 

Was that all? Was there more? Gangadew conceded this was one among many possible versions, for the cosmological research of priests and mythographers attributed the genesis of a universe and planet to the handiwork of one or more supreme beings. These were scaled from human from and were inevitably patriarchal or filial by design: they were children of an at-times fearsome at-times benevolent caretaker. Fear—there was fear in this from either direction: misdirection from an ultimately arbitrary process, the mix-and-match of matter unprompted long ago by an initiating force they could neither love nor trust nor fathom; or the other proposal, the preferred one: a cosmos built according to preconceived specifics and guidelines by an intelligence that took foremost into consideration the fate and needs of its prized creation, the human being. Either way their belief chose to travel around the problem, they were guided by a terrible, ceaseless anxiety. They were small, naked to the whims of the elements. They were meager among the larger beasts that roamed a savanna or swamp. They were given proof of this daily by the fact they were often food themselves, hunted, pounced upon by alligators or lions. Many killed their own mothers in childbirth, and having survived the murder of birth, perished days later under mysterious circumstances. Only a god, who was by definition deathless, could chaperone their survival through the trials of life. And since the trial inevitably ended in death, only a god could wait on the other side of their bodies to welcome them. Had they been good? Had they followed the god’s many requirements and directions? Those were questions they asked one another and themselves continually throughout their lives, and increasingly such queries were spiced with fear. The requirements and directions varied depending on the culture and its fetishes, what qualities were valorized—be it physical strength, temperance, generosity, admiration by others. But the threat inherent in shared rules—-received ages ago by human hands from an emissary of the divine—was the same every time. They would be punished. They would be cast out, exiled. In death, they would be separated like spoiled meat from prime and lain aside. The great father would turn his back on them, deny paternity, and their souls would be cursed to wander a hell of formlessness without hope of earning their way into a better purgatory. These were cruel fables but they served a purpose; they prepared their children for a harsh life. 

Upon his return to his home zone, Gangadew could inform his fellow Mindlings: they were much less advanced than these beings, for strategies of decoy, camouflage, and indirection had no application for them. They could grasp one another’s intentions in an instant, without deliberation. They were, in the language of more educated human beings, fully blended with one another’s Theory of Mind. Unbound by time or body, they had, in essence, nothing to lose or hide. By comparison their culture, so much as it could be viewed a culture, lacked color and dramatic flair, nuance and ingenuity and variety. There was rarely a difference in opinion, for they experienced one another’s thoughts as their own. Humans were estranged from themselves and each other, but this had inspired as often as it hindered them—there was room for change and growth, as much as for regression, deterioration. Even the latter was considered a feature of their dynamism, for deterioration was inherently changeful.

No Mindling could begin to conceive what it might mean to fear another Mindling. Thoughts were shared events, not descriptive of any collaborative series of electrochemical processes; one Mindling could not deceive another, even if it, for the sake of an experiment in human-hood, tried. Gangadew would inform them through instantaneous cognitive blending this insight into their own species’ limitedness—concluding, with surprise and bemused humility, omniscience proved imperfect, for it resulted in its own kind of boundedness: an inability to be other than what one was. How often Gangadew had experienced a human harangue him or herself alone or in the company of others—they did not know themselves, who they were, nor have a clear idea of who they would like to become. It was a source of desperate frustration and could underwrite a life with intractable unhappiness. An identity—to be achieved, molded purposefully, therefore earned and prized. Mindling culture nurtured no correlative concept, nor the aggregation of values that informed it: an identity, individual or collective, presumed difference from others, and among Mindlings there were no differences. Names, pronouns—these were conventions adopted to convey Mindling principles in a human idiom. Gangadew was also an accommodation to these requirements, for in truth there was no Gangadew among Mindlings. Conventions of identity are artifacts the Mindlings' unified consciousness will bring back from their scouting exhibition to the human planet, and reporting to themselves their findings they will adopt the human custom and refer to their gatherer-aspect as Gangadew, an exemplification of a type. They will speak to themselves of their findings from a human viewpoint, to practice the communicative and mentalizing customs of the species. They will call themselves Gangadew, a word arbitrarily chosen and derived from conventions of written and spoken English, though nonsensical to a native English speaker, empty of signifying content. They will refer to themselves as sexed, bound to a procreative binary—a “he”. From that vantage point, imitating the behaviors of their research subjects in their natural habitat, a planet and particular instance in its history, the Mindlings will gather what is available to be known about such creatures, human beings, including the contours of what’s unknowable, to themselves and others. Mindlings will discover their omniscient perspective pluralized, forced into convolutions of newness; for better or worse, they will be remade as human. And in that venture will experience for the first time a human concept: “falling short.” Lacking height and weight, lacking any need to reference categories of biomechanics or physique to illustrate abstract concepts, they will be confronted by a very first instance of inadequacy, and on human terms. It will be their first encounter with a lived self-difference and diversity in the longest while. They will experience themselves as imaginable from a human perspective and will consider how little they can imagine by themselves. An inebriant, intoxicant—this human-ness. Psychoactive effects of the drug: a wide range of overlapping perceptual distortions blossoming, one from the other. 

For this reason Gangadew preferred a pristine sobriety. It was dangerous to embed oneself too thoroughly for too long in a human perspective, for there were perhaps lasting detrimental effects from prolonged exposure to it. This was a concern suggested by the human perspective itself, when Gangadew elected to subject himself to it—a brief hit, a euphoric foray into viewing himself from a confused, highly distractible mortal angle. On the come-down from that epiphanic height, paranoid ruminations circled him, menaced him with their fixed conviction that potential disasters were immanent—he had taken the human drug, had been damaged by that drug, and would now be forever human. 

Was this fear—the formative propulsive terror that drove the species? And was this how they were seized by it, as if possessed by a malodorous spirit? Hateful, threatening, sour twins and triplets, quintuplets and sextuplets of one’s own nagging inner monologue: they have gathered to bully you, intent on dragging you into the ugly hole they have crawled from. As Gangadew had heard many a human mention on occasion after recovering from the distressing effects of a certain pleasurable toxin, taken willingly and out of hunger to attain a thrilling otherness to themselves: it was a “bad high”, an “overdose” on the least preferred human emotion. Best to remain a neutral party, an observer. To make note of the distorting, aggravating effects of the drug on a population of users, rather than seek qualitative familiarity with the visions it inspires. Abstemious, a teetotaler—Gangedew would preserve his equanimity and detached perspective, he would abstain from drugging himself with human-ness. He would conduct ethnographic investigations without unnecessary involvements with his subjects. 

Growth, propagation. Germination and development stage by stage, maturation. Embryo and fetus. Chrysalis and larva. Gangadew beheld patterns across a disparate range of growth phenomena on the human planet; symmetries, paced and subtly consistent measurements. From the human being’s daily microscopic entanglements with their environment, Gangadew gained appreciation for the consistent threat presented by their bombardment by bacteria and viruses. The latter, once entering the intra-human environment, could wreak havoc but could not replicate without hijacking pre-existing cells to direct them toward achieving viral aims. The former were more independent, though perhaps less enterprising. In the nostrils, the throat, keratin of toenails, the colon or small intestine, bacteria could establish a civilization and harvest the tissues around it to feed its many greedy mouths and grow. One cell would quickly become two. Two would become four. From four would spring eight, sixteen, thirty-two. Gangadew, unburdened by the demands and liabilities of a body, noted the elegance of a pattern at play—exponential growth. Moreover, not merely would cells replicate in predictable numbers, but the rate at which they did so was predicable as well. Rates at which they increased were proportional to their number; leaps between generations could accelerate depending on how many generations had fostered them. As it was with bacteria, Gangadew surmised, perhaps it was with humans. As Gangadew and his kind were growth-less beings, exempt from corporeality, he could only conjecture about the consequences inherent in the comparison. Human generations tended to occur by decades, nearly every twenty-seven years, but humans had adopted the habit of parsing these into neat subdivisions, naming each and attributing generalized qualities of character to their members. Bacterial generations expressed their individualism as well but unconsciously, replicating at rates particular to their species. For one, a generation might spring to birth in ten minutes; for another, half an hour. Others require thirteen to fifteen hours to establish an expanded revision of their population. Environmental factors determine much that transpires along the shaping of a growth curve—ever-replenishing access to nutrients, direct exposure to light or not. Once those natural resources are exhausted and waste issued from cell metabolic processes have accumulated, growth rate among their culture slows; cells perish from starvation or self-sacrifice while others grow. What follows is a formal, mathematically measurable holocaust: death rates outpacing births. Human beings have studied such processes with a scientific care but, except in rare cases, consider it metaphor to draw comparisons between the arc of bacterial growth phases and those of human population growth. Human beings are not bacteria or a virus. In debates over unsustainable growth, this has been consistently asserted as the final inarguable coup de grace. Every time a human being recovers from a cold, they prove their durability for all humanity. 

        Illness had served so many different purposes for human beings, Gangadew could not consider himself surprised its many manifestations would be raided for their expressive potential. Illnesses were arguments human beings had won through the coordinated involuntary actions of their bodies; each illness endured and recovered from educated, strengthened their immune systems, the twilight operations of which none had explicit control over. They could survive assaults on their good health, continue to live, couple with one another, grow. They were superior to bacteria. They were exceptional to problems bacteria could not solve. From his Mindling viewpoint, free from the dirty concerns of impermanence, Gangadew could not determine whether this was due to arrogance on their part, or mere hopefulness. 

They were masters of their bodies and environments; they displayed in every incarnation of localized culture a mania for naming things. Having named a thing and having found their urge for dominance unsatisfied, they would break that thing down into constituent parts and in turn name those parts, before analyzing their specific function and usefulness to the whole. Technical terms abounded wherever their hunt for explanations led them: The Babinski Reflex, Parthenogenesis, The Carnegie Stages, Lordosis. In this same spirit they named each other, categorized one another by type, drew broad assumptions from minimal interaction, and described whole cultures accordingly. This propensity to reduce the complexity of living persons into figures that afforded the crudest representational accuracy suggested yet another subtle consequence of their boundedness. In their view, for a thing to be known, it must be shaped by their inherent limitations. It must be made small. Disconnected from everything around it. There were historical reasons for this, for far back in their ancestral past they were once a desert people, nomadic, surviving harsh elements that were indifferent to life. They had shaped their god according to scarcity’s specification: if the desert was autocratic, their god would be as well. Hierarchical, authoritarian—as much as these were descriptions of a way of life, they were instructions, strategies for survival. Parts were subordinate to wholes, family members subordinate to clans. And here was another opportunity for their obsession with dualisms to flourish: as there was an inside and outside to a body, there was an inside and out to groups of bodies bound by a shared bloodline. Wariness of and antagonism towards an unfamiliar clan, an out-group, drove the priorities of their language. The first step towards conquering a people was to name them. If they were aware of his presence among them, Gangadew wondered what they might make of him and call him. An out-group of one, he might be viewed a contagion not unlike a bacteria or virus. As he had witnessed them do countless times before, they would attempt to destroy him before gathering their samples, to dissect his remains, break them down into functional constituents, before labeling each and reassembling them. Fortunate, then, Gangadew was deathless and imperceptible to human sense and technology. He would be spared the sorts of fate afforded by their knowledge. 

Perhaps some of them would worship him; that would be equally undesirable. Despite their presumptions, deep space was no desert. Monotheism did not grow there, and he was no god. 

Fall, spring, winter, summer—the heating and cooling of their planet in orbit. Tides fluctuating according to the nearness of their moon. Vascular systems of mammals and trees alike shaped by gravity over ever-elongating stretches of time. Structure and function of each of the planet’s sentient inhabitants shaped by their interactions with the ecosystem that engendered them. None chose their origin; each were interdependent with the other before they were inseminated or pollinated then born. A quiet atavism: the human being was but one expression of their planet, easily perishable if removed from the larger life-web they took for granted. Mortality was a curse; so they thought. They could not feel the broader implications of a simple fact: to sustain themselves, they ate and drank from their surroundings, so they might continue to sweat and spit and ejaculate and urinate and defecate. They considered these necessary offshoots of bodily self-regulation disgusting, embarrassing. Contamination and disease could arise from cohabiting with feces, so they would bury these. When they regarded what expired from their bodies they saw only a harvest of eager flies, not the principle of regeneration inherent in each fly's labor. Cyclical and cryptically fluid, the reinvestment of one form into another, shaping the emergence of a third, unforeseen thing. Elsewhere, beyond deserts, in more bountiful regions of the planet, human beings conformed to the multitudes around them and proliferated in their culture and language many supernatural caretakers, many actors improvising daily from a script written for them by nature. For these people, there were many gods available to confess and pray to; for others, there was no god but the jungles and forests and plains and oceans around them. Ostensibly, the sentience they perceived and assigned to the merest leaf extended beyond that leaf to the whole tree, and from the tree's roots, through the ground, and from the ground, up through the roots of all other trees around it, across the planet. Oxygen flowed from their leaves, an invisible steam, and circulated upwards into the atmosphere and from there spread around the planet. Atoms and molecules, shed from that circulating earth-shawl, tumbled through the soundless cold of space, drifting against washes of cosmic radiation. What began in a single leaf could venture far beyond the planet, to leave its signature eventually in distant corners of a solar system, its galaxy, a cosmos containing all galaxies and solar systems. Humans contrived a name for such animistic ambitions: pantheism. For some it proved comforting to rewrite their eventual demise as a continuation of life in other forms. Gangadew held much respect for it.

A minute passed; Gangadew counted the seconds. Crude tools, seconds and minutes, but global time was the only lingua franca available to the large majority of human beings; so having familiarized himself with atomic clocks, wristwatches, digital alarm clocks, smartphones that received continual updates from satellites orbiting the planet, he tracked his involvement in the communal artifice of consensual time. Rhythms of light and dark varied according to their specific location on the planet—north or south, equatorial. These varied also according to the planet’s elliptical course around the sun. The nearer the planet to the sun, the warmer, the longer their bright days would be. Gangadew could see it was a matter of practicality to uncouple their sense of time from natural rhythms, since their only constant was their variability. To suit the needs of a global culture, of all pockets of human beings across the planet equally, they would extract it everywhere from the dominion of living things, from heartbeats and breath-rhythms, set it counting without brains or fingers—sixty seconds to a minute, sixty minutes to an hour, twenty-four hours for a day; weeks, months, years, each separate but, strangely, efficiently, each containing the other. People measured the progress of their lives against this sovereign count; and though numbers added unto numbers with steady consistency, it was understood among human beings they would result in no final sum. It was foundational to all their activities, either explicitly or tangentially: the departure and arrival of airlines, subway trains, boats; the reservations of hotel rooms; trifurcation of their daylight involvements into home, commute, and work. And work itself was an intimate confrontation with how a human life could be subjected daily into numbers, each job, each position with its own relative exchange rate, hours for yen, kroner, or dollars. Gangadew sensed time and money were inventions that shared a common ancestral origin, had coevolved along a series of enterprising channels to produce commerce on a grand scale, a civilization larger than its world. Larger because it determined not merely the life-ways and fates of its people, but also their dreams, indulgences, irresponsibilities, their occasional fitful rebellions against its many directives, be they overt or subtle. Everyone was subject to the count; everyone was time, added to its careful passage unto death or perpetuity and so diminished. One, two, three…twelve, thirteen, fourteen…Gangadew counted across the beginning, middle, and end of a minute, beholding what was captured and carried along by its passage. Many last breaths, several hundred marriages. One hundred thousand forty-two coughing fits. 

One to sixty—then the minute ended. Released from the count, Gangadew noticed how little had changed. No world had been destroyed nor had another emerged to take its place. At a planetary scale, this was true; but in the uteruses of several specific human women, he now noticed, less so. Each in their way had become pregnant, each now housed an oocyte penetrated by a single sperm. In bedrooms, in office chairs, in the backseats of cars, either willingly or by selfish force one human had coupled with another then separated. The women were unaware yet a life was beginning; it was questionable yet whether the seedling would survive long enough to live outside a body. The irony of human individualism, as Gangadew saw it: in the earliest stages of life, to inhabit a body of one’s own, one had to continually borrow from another. Paternal and maternal chromosomes pair evenly into a zygote, cells divide to form a blastocystic cavity. An embryo nuzzles into a warm bog of endometrial lining. A primordial ontogenetic story was being told again, as if for the first time; each letter, each word, each sentence that marked its progression in flesh could divert the story from its course and endanger the outcome, result in a disabling mutation or stillbirth. An ectoderm thickens, flattens into a neural plate; cells divide at uneven rates to form a neural groove. Ridges of the groove curl, meld into a tube-like structure which then, gradually, across several intricate stages of growth, becomes a brain and spinal cord. The tube’s interior molds into cerebral ventricles, fills with fluid. Soon the earliest buds of bodily organs will fill out, shudder, blossom. Fingers and eyes, genitalia and clavicles, following the dictates of coordinated genetic programming, will find their predetermined positions and settle. Myocardial cells, contracting and relaxing in unison, mesh to form the tissues of a beating heart. In the catches of their mothers' distended abdomens, Gangadew spies fetuses kicking and twitching and considers the mutual helplessness of the arrangement. The fate of one was thoroughly bound with the other; should anything go awry, both would suffer. Motherless, bodiless, having never evolved from an embryo, Gangadew had no point of reference for how one being could wholly nurture the growth of another, nor how oxytocin might flood his consciousness with affiliative devotion for someone not yet born. How would he describe what he saw? He, who lacked feelings and therefore empathy, empathy and therefore imagination—how would he characterize the bewildering range of behaviors that were often scattered across a wider range of lives in the wake of even a single human birth? He would have to be born himself, carried vulnerable in a womb, wrenched breathless into the excruciating brilliance of a delivery room before he would even begin to describe it. 

The great disadvantage of Mindling ethnological practice in general, Gangadew will tell, has told, is telling himself and so is informing all existent and non-existent Mindlings: they were too universal to be perceived by their subjects, too abstract to be convincingly hated or loved. Freed from strictures of time and space, they were too dissimilar—too boundless to be grasped, too immeasurable to be counted. They were not even human enough to be gods, much less devils. Possessing everything humans lack, they could offer nothing actionable or tangible. This would seem to make them ideal candidates for observation—there being no chance they might even unintentionally influence the responses and decisions of their subjects. But the question should be asked: of all possible species on all possible planets, in every dimension available to them for exploration and study, why choose these, if they weren’t uncertain the direction of influence might at least be reciprocal? Disgust, surprise, happiness, envy, sadness; embarrassment, love, compassion. The schadenfreude pleasures of gossip. Insecurity unconvincingly disguised as arrogance. Living among humans a long while maybe they might absorb the vivid particulars of their interiors and in doing so expand their own: to be other than they were, together among others yet alone. 

This was the one clear similarity between human beings and Mindlings, Gangadew decided: neither displayed much evidence they were content to remain wholly who they were. For purposes of future research this might be worth investigating. Given time, humans might evolve beyond this limitation, so perhaps there was the prospect Mindlings might as well. Until then he would maintain the utmost distance afforded by his nearness to them, and observe what he might say and feel, if he were one of them. 

21 October 2023

Hand and Shadow




We’re terrible with facts but decent with details, an inconvenience that courts trouble. Imagine a hunter committed to the long stalk but indecisive before a kill. That's us--but how can we regret our hesitation if a life has been spared? There’s a passage from a book we once read, the book’s title now lost to us, the passage written out in our own hand years ago in a blue notebook. Sir David Attenborough on the Bushmen of the Kalahari, their most time-worn hunting strategy. 
Since we’re unsure here, we can quote in full: 
An even more ancient and arduous method does not require any weapons whatsoever, only an endurance beyond our imagining. 
The first hint of an animal’s passage—nouns, verbs, pronouns, conjunctions. It’s decades old but on the move, searching for water, maybe, or high ground. The handwriting’s familiar but the animal’s habits are unusual. 
Having found possible prey, Sir David writes, an eland perhaps or a giraffe, the hunter frightens it so that it runs. He then follows at a steady pace and catches up with it so that before it is properly rested, it is put to flight once more. The pursuit continues in this way, through the hottest part of the day and beyond. It may take hours. It may even take days. Eventually the animal, deprived of any food or drink, collapses. 
Shades of Aesop, the tortoise and the hare. The rules of the race revised so the hare is chased down by the tortoise, outpaced by a murderous focus. 
But the hunter has also suffered, Sir David is quick to reminds us, and may be close to collapse himself…barely enough strength to complete the kill. 
But the killing, best believe, gets done. The corpse conveys upon its killer hunter-status. Only death can confer such an honor. That’s why copy and paste from one digital document to another won’t do: the passage has to be channelled through our nervous system, scribbled with a .oo5 Pigma Micron with our own hand. It took maybe three, five minutes to transcribe. Freshly killed, there it lay in the blue notebook, its dead live eyes marbling up at us. We closed the notebook. We followed the tracks of our pulse out the door, down the stairs, beyond the house and into the low-key centrifugal swirling of a neighborhood, its many falling leaves and dog walkers. We’re a dead man. We’re a self now, aware. 


*

What makes a huntsman? Spear gripped between thumb, fore, and middle finger, we poke the creature asleep before us—is it prey? We’ve been asking the room for a friend; it’s sent one from the twentieth century: The Life and Games of Mikhail Tal, on the cover a black-and-white photo of Tal hunched over a chess match in progress. 
Mikhail was a fine huntsman. Life and Games a record of his finest chases. Details of each game, the moves involved, transcripts from interviews and a huntsman’s commentary on his opponents. For a long while he won more than he lost, until poor health and drinking took his luck away—after which the losses outnumbered the victories. He was worshipped in Latvia in his time and is the favorite grandmaster of our friend Vanya. Vanya born and raised in Mostar, drinker of kerosene while a refugee in Turkey, now a tech drone and retired metalhead in Kentucky. He’s thrashed us cleanly every time we’ve challenged him at chess. Years of tutelage as prey, we’ve learned what it feels like when our skull crackles between thirty-thousand pounds of pressure, caught between Vanya’s slowly closing jaws, white castle to black king, checkmate. Perishment is a requisite part of the learning process. Consoling us after yet another slaying in ten moves, Vanya assures us: across his career an accomplished huntsman will have perished as many times as he's been resuscitated. And here’s the cruel trick: only another killer can resuscitate you. 
Take Mikhail. He practiced these exchanges between hunter and prey daily since he was a youngster. How many kidney operations did he have to get through across the course of his life before he was allowed to die? Three of nine chapter titles in Life and Games acknowledge the problem: 
5 Unwell Again
6 Recovered
8 My ‘Death’ and my New Life
Over beers the other evening, Vanya asks again—asks every time you have a chance to sit across from each other—“How do you like your job?” He hopes a little of the shine has come off, to hear a little complaining. It’s in his nature, he’s Bosnian; happiness—other people’s, his own—no matter how briefly savored, is fundamentally suspect. Our job? To spite him with the truth, we tell him: we still love it. “Fuck, man,” he says. “I liked you better when you were depressed.” Finally we’ve found a way to outmaneuver him. We buy him another round to put him in check, but buy ourself one as well. A pair of stouts dark and thick. 
We toast his defeat by quoting back to him one of his favorites, the late wily huntsman and  Magician of Riga: I fell into a trap, so as then to catch my opponent in it. 
The trap is our good health, we cheer to it, sip together towards the dregs
of our mugs.


*

Zlatan has retired. At the age of forty-two the great and terrible Zlatan has tied the laces of his boots together, hung them around the neck of the nearest reporter. Microphones loved him as much as mere mortals hated him. He hated them back, even the gods among them. “He is not a man,” books have overheard him say of Pep Guardiola, and from a certain angle, a Zlatan angle, this is true—Pep’s proven his immortality as much as Zlatan. When one god clashes with another, they can’t occupy the same Valhalla. Zlatan of Sweden couldn’t cut it in Pep’s Barcelona, so he left and conquered Paris. When he opened his mouth, almost everyone laughed: his outrageous dismissive remarks were brutal wit. Twenty-five years have passed and he ends his career in Milan. When he shuts his mouth, will everyone forget him? 
In his day, he referred to himself as a lion. Straight face as he said it, commenting on a swift recovery from injury—Lions don’t recover as humans do. The straightness of the face broke soon as he said it, as if he’d finally surprised himself; the absurdity of assertions he’d make, to test and see if he could believe them. 
Even in retirement, a myth refuses to lick its wounds. The wounds heal too quickly—their man smiles in supreme arrogance and challenges anyone with an opinion about his legacy. How can talkers diminish it, if the career’s finished and he’s fulfilled the legacy by not caring? Once, having arrived in Los Angeles, Zlatan received a signed jersey from LeBron James. Kings of a pride will rarely tolerate such gestures from another king. What was Zlatan’s response? Did he thank King James? Did he call him up and ask him out for drinks at a club, or dinner? Of course not. Those would be mortal replies. He signed LeBron’s own jersey—Zlatan Ibrahimovich—and sent it back to him. It’s said to this very day LeBron dislikes the man. But maybe respects him a bit more than he would admit. But that’s all the past now. Now the lion has retired, leaving humans to comment on his absence from the pitch. 
Among many bitchy morsels he’s left us, there are his occasional remarks on the art of the hunt, the quiet to be found deep within the woods surrounding a soccer field. 
Do you know what I love about hunting? he once asked, already knowing the answer. 
That I am no one in the woods, no one at all. I thought the animals might recognize me, but they didn’t. They didn’t even ask me for my autograph.
Of course they wouldn’t—wouldn’t dare. His signature would bring danger. They’d much prefer another day of life than to be made famous by his maiming them. 


*

We knew a man once who observed a curious ritual. Our neighbor, he lived alone in a house built for a family. In the fall months he would travel to the mountains to kill deer. During the winter months their carcasses could be seen hanging from his back porch, frozen plastic gallon jugs of water stuffed into their cavities. We were told by an acquaintance in his house the man kept a tanning bed and that often he was driven to fury by squirrels that trespassed through a second-floor window. The one tree in his back yard was hundreds of years old; its branches extended level to roof. Squirrels would scurry the branches and leap to his house, and from there they burgled the man’s hidden dominion, waking him often at night with their scratching and chatter. 
There was an unease to the man’s greetings, a secretive greed in the searching looks he would send passing over the bare legs of joggers and younger women among us. We kept our distance, didn’t trust him beyond a hello. Not that he was a hunter—we had known many in our time and had judged them respectful of life, such that they upheld certain codes of conduct when taking one. No, not that—that he hung his kills where anyone might see them. Dogs would stalk the boundaries of his fence line, eager for meat-scent. Children would gawk at the skinned limbless husks, ask their mothers later during dinnertime what sort of creatures those slabs of boned muscle had once been. He was a hunter without decency or moderation. He watched women from his windows, as they walked to their cars. None of us would doubt he kept certain of those women hanging as well in his head. 
Out of our window one spring afternoon, we spied a dog gnawing the remains of a squirrel. The following morning we found another squirrel frozen stiff on the bricks of the back porch. Carrying bags of perishable refuse to the large compost pile in the yard, we noticed squirrels mangled and half-buried among banana peels and grass clippings. Dogs, we’d thought—the dozen or so who wandered the neighborhood alleys, stealing into unfenced yards at night. Our upstairs neighbor happened to be watering his plants on the second floor deck, called down to us, “Dale’s been killing squirrels. I told him he could toss them there. Protein for the compost pile—hope you don’t mind.” 
Glossy black of their seed-like eyes; delicate miniature satellite dish ears, furred and spidered with the finest capillaries—yes, we told him, we did mind. 
A city ordinance specified that if squirrels were trapped, they should be driven to a wooded area and released. Three steel traps were set around Dale’s yard. A live thing thrashed around the interiors of one nearest to the fence. When the thrashing ceased, a tiny black eye spied us through a hole in the grating. Our neighbor described Dale’s hunting technique; ten dead and one live squirrel listened as he explained. 
First thing each morning Dale walked the yard with his morning coffee, screwdriver in his back pocket. With a hand he swept clean any traps he found empty. He used cornbread as bait; most mornings they were gummy with dew. The trap-refreshing process was simple enough: tear a cornbread muffin in two, push it to rear of the long steel rectangular cage, reset the trip pins and wait. Should he find a trap occupied, he’d wriggle hands into a pair of leather gloves, gather his prey with a strong grip, stab it in the neck and belly, stab it half a dozen times with the screwdriver. From his deck over morning coffee, our neighbor had seen it. Dale staring at the little death kicking in his grip, savoring the end of a life. After the squirrel went limp, he walked to the fence line, tossed it over. He had done this dozens of mornings—by late afternoon during summertime, the compost pile breathed with flies. 
He was a hunter without honor. Never had we learned to despise someone so quickly. We borrowed a shovel from a neighbor and gathered each of his victims for a communal burial. To spare them an unwelcome resurrection by dogs, wrapped them in plastic. After which we knocked on Dale’s front door. 
He answered with anger, accusations, in a terrycloth bathrobe. His long sweaty hair was blasted with bedhead; his jaw jackhammered—chew chew chew—a mint-green wad of gum. 
“I’ve been watching,” he told us. “I’ve got live feed of cameras out back. I ever catch you sneaking onto my property to mess with my traps, I’ll sue for trespassing.” 
We considered threatening him in kind. Violations of city ordinance, illegal dumping of waste on private property. There were symptoms of an illness sour and electric in his eyes and stridency—we thought twice. No more killings, we requested. And if that was not possible, no more remains tossed to our yard. Our landlord had been alerted, we lied, had disapproved much as we had. Police would be called, he said, if he came by on his monthly rounds to find squirrel-parts littering the yard. Dale told us just what we could do with our landlord, then slammed the door to kill off the sight of us. It was understood we should leave soon if we wanted to survive his porch—shovel over shoulder, we walked. 
Weeks afterward, the man could be seen fuming from one window or another. There was a version of him for every window, a kind of inverse haunting: whatever he gathered into his gaze, he spooked with rages of the mind. 
Years later, while squirrel-spirits scramble intertwining branches above us, we'll pause on our walk, ask: who had been more superior in their craft? The hunter who killed to avenge an irrational grievance, or worse, his annoyance; or the hunter who stalked a murdered prey, to revive it?  

*

We’re lost, so you could say we’re back on the trail. The black notebook is open; phrases written in a familiar hand talk among themselves; sometimes it’s enough to leave a notebook alone, open on a desk, sunlight from a nearby window brightening the pages. Enough exposure will eventually brown the paper, a protracted subtle immolation. In a hundred years the voices will fade and quotes will go blind, the pages brittle, fragile. 
Many friends and acquaintances hide together in the black notebook; each we’ve found along the way, on specific occasions. Most are dead, technically. The rest are unaware they’re lodgers in our notebook. They keep us company. They encourage the belief it’s still possible to sustain “an inner life.” Many of their names are esteemed in their respective fields, not all equally. Important. Once they had been relevant to the ongoing communal enterprise beyond the sovereign meagerness of black notebooks—now they’ve been cut to quotes, modest again, equal in size to the hand that copied them in cramped cursive. 
When we need encouragement, when we need to be found and affirmed one brief moment along this trail that leads into and beyond ourselves, we flip a page back to the past and read. 
Paul Klee, final page of his diaries. It’s been years since he last inhabited us; but here he is, alive again; reciting the epitaph he’d written for a future headstone:

I cannot be grasped in the here and now. 
For I reside just as much with the dead 
as with the unborn. Somewhat closer 
to the heart of creation than usual.

The heart of creation—is it elsewhere? The black notebook’s not sure. But then we remember: before he’d written his last words, we’d been unthinkable, inconceivable. Then he’d died and inhabited them: we were suddenly possible. Forty years later we were born having never heard of him. It would take a lifetime of tracking to discover those first tentative prints that would lead us to him; neither dead nor unborn, in the pages of a diary well past its expiration date; held in hand, opened, warmed by the nearness of our breath. 


*

Easy to romanticize, the heart of creation. We do it too. The flexing engine that pushes us through ever-narrowing channels, arteries, veins, capillaries. Like fire, it’ll perish without oxygen. We regard it, often wrongly, as a solid good working the protean materials of day and night into alien shapes we can re-enter so we might feel the hidden inner arc of lives and admire them. A solid good—but is it? The man who would rape or maim your spouse or daughter is sustained by heartbeats as well; he follows impulses where they lead; often as mementos to his satisfaction or relief, will take trophies. Trophies are proof that, in certain vulgar hands, the sacredness of a hunt can be profaned. Hunters often render everything they touch into kills, and those kills into trophies. Their children, their parents, their lovers. 
These are generalities, we know—they read lovely as flowers in a garden. Let’s water a few weeds, a few dirty specifics, to keep them company. A story. 
Once there was a man born in Czechoslovakia. First he was a child like any other. Very few people noticed him. In his youth he heard a heartbeat outside of his body, a subtle thump-thumping in everything—the heart of creation. He discovered pencils, paper; these early imaginary friends led him to a playground of canvases and easels. He became a painter, enrolled at the Academy of Fine Art. He learned his craft following the path taken years before by his hero Josef ÄŒapek. When the Communists conquered his country and inhabited it with their demands, he and other students were tasked with working in the mode of social-realism. The young man refused, followed his own heartbeat out the doors of the Academy. He rented a dirty studio and resumed painting. No one asked after his fate, no one cared. It was a lonely life. A new life for him—Pariah. Such were the sacrifices he was willing to make to remain free and pure: people would turn their backs when they saw him. Eventually the Communists couldn’t tolerate even this, the little bit of freedom afforded by his exile, so tossed him from his studio into the street and evicted his paintings along with him. The Pariah had been cast out into the wilderness; out of necessity he had to learn to feed and clothe himself. That spring day, thrown to the streets by strong men brusque with moral certainty, he found himself a hunter. Standing to his feet, he set off to create for himself an even more secret life. To accomplish this task, he adopted the habits of pariah-hood fully, adorned himself in pariah-hood’s classic uniform: a ragged, wrinkled suit, hair and beard scraggly and long. He did not trim time from his head but let it grow where it pleased. Scissors and razors were polite deceivers, he would say to himself, to himself since no one dared stand near enough to hear him. They would have a person remain in a present tense of their own design. He would not stand for it. No—he would not sit down, either. He would keep in motion, he would walk. 
A sad case. A pitiful bemusement. Townspeople, spotting the Pariah on a wander, would spare him their close consideration. He was a local figure but only occasionally a curiosity. None remembered when the camera first appeared in his hands. Homemade, cobbled together from junk. For some time many among them mistook it for a symbol of madness: the Pariah and his plaything, a wad of camera-like garbage he lifted to his eye, a mock-photographer taking a garbage picture. The man had been a painter and look where that had brought him. Workingmen would point to the Pariah crouching behind a bush or trundling across a field and warn their sons—“There’s the fate that awaits you, if you don’t set aside childish play and get a job.” 
Accepted nowhere, he could appear most places and not be bothered. The bus station, the main square, the park across from the public swimming pool. He kept his distance because he’d been born at a distance. The camera he carried everywhere helped—it brought the unreachable nearer, afforded a safe view of people in their normalcy. It was harmless, the townspeople believed. It was not a real camera. Some would pose and smile. Some would wave. 
Never underestimate a Pariah’s inventiveness. The truth was otherwise, and known now—the camera was a true thing, their lighthearted dismissiveness naive. The recipe for a garbage camera called for a far-fetched array of ingredients: plywood, thread spools, dressmaker’s plastic. Road asphalt was applied along its edges to prevent light leaks. Bottoms were cut from empty coke bottles and sanded down with sand paper, polished with a mix of cigarette ash and toothpaste. It was true thing with humble beginnings, the camera. Much like its pariah-father, its vision was born from deprivation. 
This was long ago. Now that the story has been told, the past has changed: the Pariah has become known, has won admirers. His fame describes him as an Outsider, a tragic man of principles. For many lonely years he wandered the small town of Kyjov and its surrounding environs taking up to a hundred pictures a day, which he then brought back to a grubby room afforded him for free by a kindly widow, where each negative was printed once and once only. Sheet metal, a light bulb, a tin can, and two fence slats: these came together to serve as an enlarger. The final products he would glue onto cardboard. Here the heart of creation had beat loudly—and few had heard. Pity the Outsider, the originality of his solitude. What would have become of the photographs littering his floor, if Art hadn’t come calling and taken notice? 
He had been a faithful hunter. He had weathered the elements and daily sought his kills. Obsessively he’d tracked a certain species almost exclusively: young women, girls. Girls lounging poolside in bikinis. Girls picnicking in the park. Buxom mothers pinning wet clothes to dry on clotheslines. What did the town think, once it finally saw itself through his eyes? For their Pariah had not merely been a harmless Peeping Tom, but a coveter of what pariah-hood had long denied him—the loveliness of bodies bereft of the women inside them. He had long been town’s mad saint; now he was revealed a Creeper. On a gallery wall in Paris they hung like trophies. Cultured people stood before them, wine glasses in hand, admiring the townspeople's skinned selves taxidermied in black-and-white. They were young at the time and disturbed now at how little they knew of him. 


*

Ancient methods—no matter how contemporary. We’re in a different morning, at a different window, looking at the same yard. First frost outside. We’re of a generation that celebrates the cold, since it augurs eventual relief from allergies. Ragweed, grass, trees—all the green torturers. Our immune system, hypersensitive to minuscule pseudo-pathogens, also part of our inheritance from the mountains, east of where we’re sitting. Brain fog, post-nasal drip, cyclical coughing; eye-rawness, histamine delirium. 
Twice a week we drive to a clinic for immunotherapy. A needle in each arm every visit. Kind ladies distract us with small talk as they deliver the injections. We watch them pierce the lid of tiny red vials, inch back the plunger, draw the allergen concentrate into the needle. We pay good money for these liquids made in a lab. We pay the kindly nurses to pinch a bit of skin and pierce it, push the plunger with their gloved thumbs. Spores and pollens, roughly twenty species, enter the arm and inspire a localized response. Within an hour we can rub the hardened red lump and feel a heat, a kind of pet fever. Before there were needles to solve the puzzle of an immune system in distress, what options did a poor people have? Certain ladies born from the mountains tell me: they had remedies that damn near resembled witchcraft. 
Mama Whittaker was one such mountain mother. She and her people settled around the turn of the century in a holler a stone’s throw from Hazard, called Viper. Some soul long ago had been threatened by a massive rattlesnake, she’d often been told, had maybe even been bit, and as a warning to all future journeymen had returned to civilization having named the place Viper. Mama Whittaker married a secret moonshiner named G.C., Grover Cleveland, his namesake elected president the year of his birth. They sired fifteen children using the mountain method: no protection from anything. Well before the Depression crossed the land of plenty like a famished band of locusts, they were poor. When the stock market crashed, little changed for them. How could they feel the crash, if a stock market had never been built here, Mama Whittaker would say. They lived in a cabin and slept four to a bed. For months at a time G.C. would vanish to play a while with other women. Sated, he would return and lie without much skill or remorse. He had been about, he would tell his wife. He had been out earning a dollar, but having earned it had to spent it to buy a way back home. 
Out of necessity, they were scavengers. They lived so far on the edge of the larger economy money had to go out of its way to reach them. They found they could help a little, meet it halfway: Mr. Combs at Peabody Station would buy ginseng root at a favorable price then up-charge it a fair amount to a wholesaler. Mama Whittaker learned of this from other matriarchs in other hollers and schooled her children in the art of ginseng scavenging. Each morning during the summer months she would divide the children into groups of two, one older with one younger, send them in varied directions through the forest. With sticks they’d dig the damp ground, wriggle the roots free like teeth, drop them among others of their kind in a burlap sack. When the sun was half a finger-length from the top of the sky, they’d call an end to the day’s hunt and wander home. They survived many a starveling year on such earnings. Root-mongering was humble work but they considered themselves lucky—who knew the hills better than they? Mama Whittaker explained that they were helping not just themselves but humankind with their labors. These pale-golden tendrils and tubers were medicinal and had been used by doctors for centuries to heal all manner of ailment. The children believed her. If their father was a devil, their mother was god: her sing-song descriptions of the ways and laws of the universe comforted them, no matter that they often felt otherwise. Hunting for roots was a chore, boring. If it was such a benefit to others, why were they the ones hunting? 
To this day the children, now ancient themselves, speak of their labors as a necessity but a waste. They live alone in nursing homes that few people care to visit. A sovereign quiet surrounds their bitterness: they will speak only if there’s a story to tell. The stories will exclusively repeat events of a shared past, though the past has outlived them. Each will comment in their way on that curious habit observed by their mother. She adored babies. Much the reason she kept having them. And when she was past age to carry a child, began tearing photographs of babies reproduced in advertisements in Sears catalogs. These she pasted to the walls of the cabin’s kitchen. Washing dishes after dinner, a person would be surrounded from all sides by babies. One by one as the children grew smart enough to leave the holler of their birth, their mother continued to sire babies by proxy. Once the kitchen walls were exhausted, babies were papered across every inch of wall through each room of the cabin. When she was a widow and alone, she was mother to hundreds, if not thousands. She was never lonely. Her chosen kin kept her company while her adult children roamed the earth, fleeing their own childhoods and the mountains.


*

We pass through the royal gateway adorned with golden stags. We enter where maps have left us, a paradise centuries old. A seasonably warm Sunday in DjurgÃ¥rden. 
People float along gravel paths two by two. Some reel past on bicycles. Walking bridges lead from island to island, a linseed mill stands waiting for tourists to pose before it, a bit of historical color. We have brought the green notebook along with us, a traveler across four continents. Later in the evening it will open on a glass coffee table in the apartment lent to us by an American couple who emigrated back to Utah. It will repeat back to us many mundane visions of Stockholm, particularly the swimmers leaping from docks or sitting on concrete steps, shiny wet in Speedos, along the strand, westernmost edge of Kungsholmen. 
We walk anonymously among languages, we follow the sunlight wherever it falls. We buy a cup of coffee and listen to leaves gossip and dogs bark. In the intimate future we will meet reindeer as they trot past, in Jämtland. We will wander without purpose in Trondheim. In Ã…lesund we’ll admire the shiver-shine of light along the coast. Geirangerfjord will carry us atop a cliff to an abandoned farm; from there, we’ll view a long fall to glacial waters. Besseggen will be next, and will be miserable. Chilly drizzle, hiking half-lost in fog for hours. In a sod-covered cabin, we will dry our socks on a radiator and read twenty years’ worth of entries in a registry kept on the kitchen table. After which we will complete our traveler’s circuit and return to Kungsholmen. 
The green notebook will mark these, abridge weeks into scribbles of detail, place names, dates. Months will flow by and one morning we’ll wake in a different bedroom on a different continent, in a country that has never sported a royal hunting grounds, a place such as DjurgÃ¥rden. On the inside cover, written by us just moments ago, a summary remark on what follows, a sentence lifted from the behavioral neuroscience textbook we had brought with us across the ocean. We can discover a great deal about learning and memory by examining how they fail. Why else would we spend our precious time re-reading entries made months ago by some imposter skilled at forging our handwriting? None of it reads believably, though we remember it. The felt element of it evades capture, like a deer chasing its instinct to live. It leaps a fallen tree, slips through briars. It breaks into a clearing and survives the rifle. We were there once, as well. 


*

A sad tale—one unknown by many, so worth telling. Once told it might then be forgotten, but on its own terms: the story of Joy Tudo. 
It began five years ago, in the Philippines. There was a day of rain, darkness on the horizon. A day of rain became a night of rain. Soon days and nights became indistinguishable and there was only rain. There was anger in the wind. There were curses for every tree and house. From the east, across the ocean, a typhoon travelled to punish the earth and its people no matter where they lived, city or village. A ragged, spinning eye—from space, satellites tracked and portrayed it. It was given the name Mangkhut. In its passing many an island was swallowed and digested, defecated as mountains of mud bubbling under downpour. 
In the mining town of Itogon there had been a landslide. A steep hillside had weakened and given way, mauling and burying a mining camp’s bunkhouse under twenty feet of earth and stone. People had been buried alive along with it. The survivors were counted so their number might be subtracted against, to estimate the number of people underground. Among them was a thirty-six-year-old member of the Ifugao tribe, a woman who had travelled from her home village looking for work and had hidden from the rain in the wrong shelter. A rescue team arrived then came the local and freelance foreign reporters. A forensics team from the National Bureau of Investigation appeared a day or so later, all while townspeople and miners stood by watching. 
Word had travelled by mouth and by phone through Benguet Province and beyond—a certain family’s sister and daughter and cousin had disappeared underground and was calling out to them. Two dozen of the woman’s kin drove eight hours through muddy switchbacks and half-ruined roads to reach her, to help in any way they were allowed. There had been government orders to keep clear—but how could a government truly expect a people to do so, if the earth had opened and swallowed one of their own? 
In the woman’s home village her cousins attempted to reach her through ritual forms of communication with the vanished and the dead. A pig was slaughtered. They prayed that their cousin’s spirit would aid the rescue workers in their search to find her. On the seventh day of prayer, Joy Tudo’s spirit spoke to her cousins through the mouth of a mumbukai, a medium employed for that very purpose: a human telephone one can use to talk with the dead. Please find me, she begged, I’m hanging on a post. I’m missing a foot. My cousin doesn’t have a head. I screamed for my mother. I died slowly. I started praying the Our Father. Before I finished, I was taken. 
The day after Joy Tudo’s spirit spoke, her cousin Jasmin was found as described. A few days later rescue workers found Joy and exhumed her from the ground. Prophecy fulfilled, her people asked to take her home. No, they were told, there was a body to account for, more work to be done. There was a clerk typing death certificates. There were forensic workers in Hazmat suits and surgical masks. Permission was requested that bone and tissue samples be taken for DNA identification in a lab, as if the body wasn’t verifiable by sight. They could see her. They had been seeing her in their hearts and minds all their lives. No—they would not sign a waiver. They had at least been given a choice. 
As soon as the body was returned, zipped in a bag, they laid her in the back of a truck and drove through the night to the village were she had been born and raised, where she was wanted. She had left to work at a gold mine and a terrible thing had happened; a curious ore herself, she’d been mined for her story. Connoisseurs of other people’s misfortunes the world over, including our own, we’ve told it. Make of it what you will. Dead, living—we’re a serviceable medium for neither.


*

In the Corps psychotherapists are called wizards. A few discharged Marines have told us so. The hallway outside the office is purring with white noise machines and the office walls are white and clean and decorated with black and white photographs of Mother Nature in a variety of alluring poses. The office park is hardly an Emerald City and the waiting room with its pleasant magazines and coffee maker and water cooler hardly suggest visitors have been granted entry into Oz. It’s quiet though and often that’s enough. People can wait without being bothered. 
The room’s protected by confidentiality but the confidentiality only runs one way—whatever a wizard says can be repeated to lovers and family members and friends, often as explanation for some irritation or problem. 
We were amused when the ex-Marines told us how we were described because the comparison wasn’t far off the mark. Draw back the emerald velvet curtains and of course anyone will find a little man pulling levers and thundering orders into a microphone. Had they expected otherwise? There’s magic in the curtain but a wizard will choose pragmatism every time when it’s called for, draw back the curtains when necessary to reveal their own humble dimensions. If there’s disappointment, there were undue expectations at play, there was mystification. A wizard will rejoice in the loss of such powers, since they never possessed them in the first place. Life in a quiet room has not absolved them of their own dirty human issues and to point that out should be obvious but it isn’t: people will fight a god in order to continue believing in him, we have seen it. By our own hand we have attempted deicide and have seen believers leap from the couch to fight for survival of the illusion. In such instances it’s unwise to fight back. Better to rely on effects of slow erosion. After months of talking, they’ll habituate to the human in the chair across from them; their wizard will die quietly and a fragrance of rot will fill the room. Ideally, certain hard-won improvements will mark his funeral. If only it happened so easily. 
There is a desk and chair, a laptop and lamp and coffee mug filled with pens. There is a bookcase filled with clinical literature and pop-psych page-turners. By design the room is generic and welcomes its visitors’ skeptical reservations and undeserved admirations equally, impartially. Some have been ordered by a court to enter; others come willingly. There is a window view of the street outside, obscurable upon request by curtains and Venetian blinds. As quiet and unchaste as any monastery—many secrets, shames, forbidden muses. Alone at lunchtime consulting with our sandwich, we hear wordless voices through the walls. Other wizards, other Dorothys. Fellow castaways in search of a heart and brain and courage. 


*

The divine creature is a shapeshifter and cannot be touched without risk of electrocution. Bristling with sparks and wattage it zigzags through buildings and power lines, surfaces to brighten with needle-like severity the intricacies of a filament cased within the frosty confines of a lightbulb. Within a wall socket it lays curled, supine and lethal, awaiting a plug or butter knife to explore the forked crevice of its lair. It assumes many forms depending on the time of day and the weather. Those who seek enlightenment and dare handle it directly, to tame it for their own purposes, no matter how profane they may be, tend to perish gruesomely—fitting punishment for their presumption and arrogance. It will eat the life right off their faces and leave them clean and unbroken like freshly licked plates. Rarely do the peasants in its queendom request an audience with it without protection, for they have witnessed on evening news programs the ruinous fate met by similar aspirants and consider themselves warned. 
Five lightbulbs surround us, our own private harem of suns. For miles in every direction there are buildings and streets and within the buildings rooms upon rooms. There are plasma televisions and laptops and ceiling fans chasing their tails and going nowhere. Around us, far beyond the bandwidth of our capacity to conceive all of it in accurate specific detail, a whole city is possessed by the divine creature and hums. 
If we could play cryptozoologist for an evening we would attempt a taxonomy of its many manifestations and origins. It rumbles through the thudding walls of apartments, bass and treble rippling the air as sound waves. It blows dragon-heat from the grilled mouth of a hairdryer. It charges half a million I-Phones any given minute, replenishes the power-load of a quarter million vape pens. Once condemned men were buckled into a chair, donned with a crown through which, at the flip of a switch, it coursed searingly through a shaved human skull. Exposed to its full wrath they fried in the grand style of eggs cracked open into skillets. These rare few appearances were celebrated as justice and much faith was placed in its persuasive power as a deterrent. The man who would take a life for his pleasure would think twice, reminded every evening as he flipped a light switch off before entering an unsuspecting bedroom. Its authority was mythic and subtle but according to neuroscientists familial in origin—for brains sustain themselves electro-chemically much like AAA batteries. The wattage of meager thought was enough to softly power a lightbulb. 
We were thinking this and enacting proof of that very point. Agnostic to the faith, nonetheless we respected its many fetishes of worship. The streetlight. The power station. The digital billboard preaching to passersby on the freeway 10% OFF ALL ELECTRONICS THIS APRIL AT BEST BUY. Awful and holy were its many incarnations, for they were homely, unassuming enough to trick us into complacency and hubris. To liven our mortal coil, to brighten the dark our ignorance casts about us, it was enough to shuffle socked feet on our carpet and with a finger touch our outstretched tongue. The resulting shock stung us. Duly warned and humbled, after a period of brief speechlessness we could speak of it. Sentient current in search of a host, it was here as much as it was everywhere.


*

Ms. Michelle hunts people for a living. If there are people on the run and they’re hard to find, she’ll find them. If you need a bill collector, she’ll be your bill collector. If you need a bounty hunter, she’ll hunt you for a bounty. She takes on cases other investigators can’t solve. Most of her work is done digitally and remote, tracking location blips, status updates, financial records. 
Once a Peruvian crime family had stolen a fleet of Caterpillar wheel loaders and she was tasked with finding them. She was particularly proud of her ingenuity on this one. Since a direct approach would most likely get her nowhere, she emailed the estranged wife of the family’s patriarch, reeled her in with a sob story: she was pregnant with her husband’s child and he was denying patrimony. The wife was suspicious at first, then furious. Eventually she told Ms. Michelle where the stolen equipment had been shipped—to a construction site somewhere in South America. 
Painstaking patience. A love of the hunt and data-mongering. As a girl she’d sit at the kitchen table while other children played, assembling a thousand piece puzzles. There was the thrill of exacting revenge for crimes that hadn’t even been committed against her—people who behaved as if they were beyond the reach of consequence. Many of them, if intelligent and motivated, could hide themselves well enough to evade the FBI. The FBI was her competition; she prided herself on catching perpetrators the U.S. government couldn’t. 
The catch that distinguished her, that placed her talents above all others, was the Mullen case. One day she received a call from ACS requesting help recovering a Hatteras yacht named Morning Star. A year earlier a man by the name of Ryan Eugene Mullen had stolen it and vanished. One by one private investigators had tried finding him and had come back empty-handed. The target in question had been a fugitive for over a dozen years and was on the FBI’s Most Wanted list. His specs were generic: six foot three, two hundred pounds, blue eyes, deep voice, light brown hair. He wore a size fifteen shoe and in his youth had been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. As a teen he’d been incarcerated for beating his girlfriend. Somewhere along the way he’d graduated to more sophisticated involvements and filched the U.S. government of two million dollars through multiple acts of cybercrime. 
Nowadays with the help of the internet a criminal can divide themselves into several alternate identities. They can employ any number of ghosting tactics from remote locations. Ms. Michelle began her hunt at a pay-per-use public records database, searching key SITS variables—shelter, income, transportation, social contact. There were dozens of off-brand versions of the man floating around the cyber-world: Reuben Ryan Mullen, Ryan Paul Mullen, Ryan Ray Mullen. Names mixed and matched until they lost their distinguishing features. 
Ms. Michelle reached out to friends at federal agencies, had them check her findings against government databases. They were able to glean a few trace details on several of the aliases. Many led back to several individuals living in the New Orleans area for the past decade, each linked in some way to a Ryan Patrick Mullen. Two of these were the man’s parents; a third was the owner of a junk yard who’d once made the sorry mistake of hiring the man as manager. It was this last lead that confirmed many of the physical descriptions of the man circulating among databases were far off the mark. In the lead’s humble estimation, they were bullshit. 
The yacht was recovered docked on an inland channel in Louisiana. Mullen had attempted to purchase a large house with phony credit and stirred up local suspicion among realtors. Ms. Michelle had arranged for his arrest remotely and enjoyed sight of Mullen handcuffed through a live feed on a federal officer’s camera phone. The man denied all wrongdoing and claimed his innocence, despite the fact he’d been arrested attempting to board the very boat he’d stolen. He seemed confused by the sudden bustle of agents around him. Clearly it’d been something he hadn't conceived might happen. Maybe a guilty man could profess his innocence long enough he might be absolved of his crimes. Or perhaps he believed he was wrongly accused: some other version of himself had implicated him. 
Ms. Michelle was philosophical on the matter. Maybe he lost track of which self he was, until I came along to remind him. 


*

To be startled, to run; to be chased until one’s legs give out; to drop to the hot ground; to lay panting in the dust. Hounded for days and weeks and years—one generation after another following us at a jog or sprint. No break in the chase to slake our thirst at a water hole. No easy moment available to graze. So we starve and we thirst and as we run we weaken ourselves, all the while our pursuers keeps pace. 
They are a hunting party. They work in shifts. Patience and endurance their only weapons. We did them no harm. Our entire life kept a thoughtful distance from their village. But they grew hungry and with hunger’s hard eyes they saw us, head bowed to sniff the ground or tear with teeth a tough sprig of grass. Before we took notice of their approach, we were shocked into flight, we were running. 
Dust cakes our nostrils, peppers our lashes. Our legs lay like tinder beside us. Footfalls thump the ground, louder from every direction. A man appears, and another. They circle us, leap back when we kick. They move slowly, like leaves on water. They too are exhausted, drained of a will to run. One carries a heavy stone, another grasps at our ears. The ears flick, dodge his grasping hands. But they’re caught eventually. The stone lifts. The stone in both hands slams down. A gash splits our forehead. Blood spurts across the dust, gummy dark rivulets. Our spirit dies within our body and we’re carried by many hands, on many shoulders from the place where we'd fallen. 
We are disemboweled, dismembered, roasted over a very popular fire, eaten. We travel in parts down many gullets. We enter many a child and man and old woman. Enzymes in their stomachs dissolve us. Our essence disperses through their bodies as nutrition. We wake the next morning a dozen people. We open our new eyes and behold each other. Some of us gather mid-morning for an expedition, to search the outlying territories for another meal to chase. We are refreshed, strong. We are not alone, we have each other, and are prepared to race death. Out in the hinterlands it waits, a sacrificial offering. It takes the form of an animal. Wired for fear, swift of hoof. But abandoned by the herd when we come running. 


*

The yellow notebook is a dreamer, makes use of us when it needs us, which is often. Pages flutter like the eyelids of a sleeper in REM: something is happening, some twilight psychodrama is being corroborated. Any cue that an animal uses to synchronize its activity with the environment is called a zeitgeber, we’ve read. German for ‘time giver’. Light acts as a powerful zeitgeber. The yellow notebook is a daytime sleeper but recruits us to do its walking. We carry it nearly everywhere, open it in opportune moments to transcribe second-hand testimonies from other dreamers cast across the alternating dark and light of the earth. The notebook rewards our labors by electing to be our private zeitgeber: by feeding it and sustaining it, by powering the engine of this tiny sun, we acclimate to many rhythms around us. 
The yellow notebook is a time giver and we are its faithful receiver and this would be a symbiosis made in heaven, if there were any truth to mortal cosmologies and the yellow notebook was neverending. But there is a limit to the number of pages available to it. Currently it’s three-fourths through its life cycle. 
We have read that the skulls of certain species are thin enough that light can pass through; that in birds, for instance, the pineal gland is studded with photoreceptors that can detect daylight through cerebral bone. Differently so, for mammals. Since their skulls are too thick to permit the passage of solar radiation, such cells breed in eyeballs instead. This is why we open our eyes before reading the yellow notebook, rather than reading with eyes closed, the more customary requirement for dreaming. The yellow notebook, being a lifelong dreamer, obliges us to meet it with eyes open. Together we enjoy one another’s company lucidly. 
Often our hands play above it and its light casts engorged hand-shadows on the wall. There’s a certain dramaturgy involved: the hands think they’re improvising certain configurations to conjure certain shapes for the wall, but really, who’s to say they aren’t receiving obscure instructions from the notebook? There’s no other explanation for the variety of dramatis personae they’re able to cast in shadow. Few bear any obvious points of reference with the personal lives of their hand-actors. The key is to watch the silent action of shadows, their exploits and conflicts, not the hands; to study every nuance laid bare by their interaction. Since they can’t speak for themselves, we’re left to interpret their needs and aspirations. Maybe they’re unaware of such things as well. The interpretations we provide for them change according to our whim and are the closest we can get to assigning them coherence as a story. 
This afternoon we watch them arrive and leave without due explanation. Ms. Michelle, the skip tracer. Electricity in its many forms coursing through a city, lethal or otherwise. Joy Tudo and her unluckiness. Mama Whittaker and her brood of ginseng scavengers. The lonely voyeur of Kyjov, the squirrel-killer, Zlatan Ibrahimovich in retirement. Mikhail Tal’s finest chess matches replayed for posterity. All these latent in the consolidating dream-time of the yellow notebook; opened on the desk before us, they radiate electromagnetically from their common source. The hands are receivers and do the rest. We’re their sole audience. 
When the play’s over and the actors retire and notebook closes, what will we make of what they've shown us? Repetitions of theme, motifs—were these red herrings to distract from some other subtle exchange we hadn’t noticed? There had been a meeting of dreams and they’d come to an agreement, but as of yet we were still clueless what had been the subject or purpose of their argument. Something about hunters. Something about the lives of the harrowed, the hunted. We would have to reopen the notebook and offer it our hands and eyes again, watch its protagonists play again without awareness of prior exploits. A second performance can never exactly resemble the first, though. The second will deviate from the original and lose itself, all the better to find itself, a game of fates on the wall.